


dear evan handyman

by Overturned_Decent



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: C R A C K F I C, Crack Fic, Jar jar banks???, M/M, This is, This is terrible, ahhhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhjiern 9pq2, if this is only gonna make us laugh then ill be ok with that, luckily it wasn't just me, or should is say...., she did this too, the worst thing i've ever done, u can thank my best friend too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-01-21 14:46:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12459978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Overturned_Decent/pseuds/Overturned_Decent
Summary: c r a c k    f i cWritten and illuastrated by us. And it can be us. And onlyyyyyyy us. (us = ame me and katatat)---Its an average new york city apartment. Two (2) guys are juts. Hangin out.We find the tow young lads. They are called evan “handyman” hansen and con murffphyy.Evan taking “time off” from work. But cmon dudes, he didnt mean to yell at his boss for eating his sadnwhich.Conner was in therapy becuase the authors belive he shoukd have been happy.





	1. Chapter One

Its an average new york city apartment. Two (2) guys are juts. Hangin out. 

 

We find the tow young lads. They are called evan “handyman” hansen and con murffphyy. 

 

Evan taking “time off” from work. But cmon dudes, he didnt mean to yell at his boss for eating his sadnwhich. 

 

Conner was in therapy becuase the authors belive he shoukd have been happy. 

 

But. this foictin work is ~~angsty~~ becuase, they are FIGHTING. 

 

Comnor  looked up from his saturday morning news paper. He twas becoming his father. He sighed, unhapplily, “Handyman, i am sorry.”

 

Evan screamed from his hiding place in the closet ;)))) how did cannor find him???

 

“I COULDNT BE MORE SORRY. I COULD TRY, BUT I WOULD NOT BE SUCCSESSFUL.” EVAN SOBBED. 

 

“Oh buddy boy.”  Candor sighed again. 


	2. Chapter Two

Captcher glanced humbly around his homE  ‘EVIMSOGLADUGOTTHESE Jalepinio Chips ‘

 

EVan is happ that conrad likes his scipey chips “me to they tast so good”


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting a lot of these in one day ok they're like a bowl of ships u can't just have one u gotta have a bunch at one time do u feel

“HA HA” Colanor laughed softly at the telivsion. Handyman stared smilinngly at his FREIND. 

 

“Ha, me too :-)” He siad. 

 

Cooler threw a popcorn at thje screen, laughing heartily as Sirius Black Died. 


	4. Chaptwe Fpur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mmmm tasty chapter huh kiddos

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAGGAHAAAHAAHAHAHAGAHAAHAHGAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYIKES” Comptan yipped into the night. “THATS SURE WAS A SPOOOCY DREAM” 

Handyman heard collans yellls and jumped at the chamce to help his budiegh (i like the uniuqe spelling) 

 

“Capital!!! Are you alRIGHT” Evan hissssed

 

“NOOOOO my dream was was not olny bad but oh buddy boi it was scaryy”

 

This made ev worried “why dontcha explain it too me???/” EVev said with fear on his face< he was on the ferdge of tearz..

 

Candy started to explain his dream “ i was sitting in my room AND my room was the setting for a teletubbies episode. I didnt wont thats so i got scaredd”

 

Evan passed out so they had to tak him to the hospital oops.


	5. chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> id like it to be known that it was my idea to make jared speak in rhymes

Evev paced nervously throughout hs home me. His bff friend was comin by that very same day. Howevan, his boy space friend didnt seem to care. 

 

“CAPSIZE DONT YOU GET IT???!!??!” Handyman cried, wripping his skin off. Dont worry though. It was only a little. 

 

“Hoh, Handyman, you have no cause for fear. For, it tis i, JaRED KLEINMEN IS HERE.” 

 

“JArED!!!!!” Evan sobbed happily. He rased to his old fiend. JarEd hugged his appreciatley. 

 

“My young sprite, I am here to spend the night.”

 

“Thats exactly what i hoped you would say!” Handyman beamed. 

 

“So, my hoe,” jareD demanded, looking around evans apartment. “We’re watching Finding Nemo; wait, isnt your roommatte a emo????” 

 

Evan nodded earnestly. “He twis is indeed. Wears all black, and also cries sometimes.”

 

“EVA N” Confditioner screamed. “DONT GIVE THAT FOOL MY SECRETS !”

 

“Oh okay :D !!!” Evan instantly did what Carpool told him. 

 

“Shallt we love me? Definetly not thee!” JAred suggested, aiming his last, most spiteful words at Caller ID.


	6. Chapter sic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if u haven't gotten the joke yet......we're spelling connors name differently every single time we write it

Handyamn awoke in a cold sweat. He was ill. Very ill. 

 

“CARLY???” Evan cried. JaRed had left awhile ago. Sometime that morning, abut four minutes after arriving. Handyman had gone to bed at five pm sharp, but now it was three am and he felt like he was going to die. 

 

“HANSHEN???” Concrete appered in the doorway to see Handyman shaking in immense pain. 

 

“Crack….I feel….like,,, not good.”

 

“Oh no. Let me get a sandwhich and then ill help you.” Crayon began leaving to make a sandwhich.

 

Evan screamed. “CRAYOLA. WAIT.” 

 

“What is it Handyman?”

 

“What….kind...of sandwhich? I might want one too.”

 

“Oh, it was gonna be ham and cheese.”

 

Evan recoiled in disgust, feeling as if he would throw up. “dIS SCUSS TAngGG. Nevermind, you eat your garbage food by yourself.”

 

“Okay.” Continents began leaving again.

 

“WAIT.” 

 

“What is it Even Steven?” 

 

“Can you get me some soynuts?”

 

“Yeah, of course, we have seven large crates of them in the pantry so you can have as many as you want.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is it Even Steven?


	7. CHAPTER seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well its been one day and i already forgot this existed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was completely written by Katatat, so lets all give her a hand :-)

“Even ya know what the doc said” cannedgoods told even. You have to take the grugs

“BUY IM TOO PURE TO TAKE DRUGGS” evean yelled very loudily. 

Conman snuck into evens room whie he was asleep and forced th pills down his throat-no harm done> dont worry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my plan is for me and my friend to have written thirty one chapters for this, and it will be a fun halloween treat, but i haven't told her that yet so shhhh
> 
>  
> 
> also there are comments and people have actually read this and that in itself is kind of frightening


	8. chaptR EIGHT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eek i forgot to post yesterday whatever ahhh

Even is walking townthe screet when he sees a pet store

 

              ONE HOUR LATER

 

“EVEN STEVEN I CANT BELEIVE YOU BOUGHT A CAT WTHHHHHH” Cunjunction yelleded. 

 

“It was cute and he told me he wanted me too buy him so i used our savings acc to buy him.

 

Cracker “smh”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> knock knock
> 
>  
> 
> a butt
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> a butt that my ex wife would've answered the door, Carol, please let me in
> 
> its cold


	9. chAptEr nINe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i think cats loving evan and hating connor is a theme that has developed in my writing

Handyman awoke to a heavy weight on top of his head. 

 

“Oh! Smh! Get off!” He picked up the cat, Smh, off his head. The black and white overweight cat started purring loudly and Evan sighed, standing up.

 

“I guess it’s time for food?” The pair of straight young adults had owned Smh for two weeks now. But. Smh despised every single human being except for Evan. Calliope could breath and Smh would hiss, but all Evan had to do was put a finger in front of that cats face to get Smh to start purring. 

 

Evan padded into the kitchen, Smh pattering along beside him. Evan entered to find Cold water holding an arm full of soy nuts.

 

“My soy nuts!!! Couodja!!!! Why!!!” Evan sobbed i n hhorror. Those soy nuts were HIS. Not CANTOLOPES. 

 

It got so angsty after that, like, you have no idea. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, the cats name is "Smh". I'm sorry


	10. Chapter x_.ten._x //

**AN/** Hey YALLLKLAFJI YEET IM SICK AFFFFFF SO IMMA WRITE LMAO YEeeeeT

 

  1. we fuckin open witj handyman, hes sobbing or something over his soy notes, like a person does. Its really angst and depressing when ,, SIUDDENLY,, we habve JAr Ajr Binks!!!!



 

“A Van!!!! Can” JAred shrieks, volcanos exploding aeound him. 

 

“AJarerd,, ??? why are YOU DOINHG here. !!” Evan asks.    
  


“Oh, yknow.”

 

“What? No id ont lmao”

 

“Haha yknow :))))) my smol dough”

 

“Waht”

 

So, evan just fuckin z00ms awau, and jay red is left standing by himself, so he goes and hides.  **Jreah** hides  **in the bathroom** before fuckin,,,, recording acover oif a song from uhhh musical ;)) because like,,, gotta get those sick references in there lmao ;))

 

EVan nyooms into th rrom with couches and hsit, but stop.s becayse Conrawr Muroh,,. ?? is there. 

 

“Cantolouspe??!??!? H” he said

 

“Oh! :DD hey man! :DD” the long haired, brunette, witha  perfect smile, pretty eyes, and shiny pale skin said. 

 

“How are you, Edward Cullen?????” 

 

“Ay okie muy dude. I saw we had a visorit??? Is is Jar JAr Binks????” 

 

Yeah” 


	11. chapter ELENEEE,\M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all long time no shitty chapter. the musical I'm in rn is opening in like two days and I've got such an overload of stuff and believe it or not. this is not my first priority. shock. but i do feel bad about not posting, so here.

Evan fucking died lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh yeeks!!! a cliffhanger!!


	12. chatpre,, ??? TWELVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> break my legs cause my musical opens tomorrow YEET

IM KIDDING OMGGGG YOU GUYYYYS ARE SOOOOO GULLIBLE HAHAHAHAHHAHAHH


	13. CHapter Thitreenth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh. so the understudy dress tech happened tonight and i think i did really well (yay!), although they were quite a few pretty bad things that happened, hopefully those will all be fine by tomorrow, opening night.

It was actually just a dresm. No Corn awoke with fright! He was so scared like “ahhhh” thats what he sounded like when he was scared. 

 

Sighing, he thought  _ hwow why is im always so scared at night??? I always have nightamres….. The last one twas about teletubbies...but this one was about my best friendo bud handyman..??? I wonder what tha tmneans.. _

 

Chicken got out of bed then realized he wasnt in bed!!! He was sleeping on the couch!! It now suddenly came all back to him…. Jarriet had come by and cried in the bathroom for a few hours while he and handyman sat on the couch watching  _ Keeping Up With The Kardashians  _ until Cdresser fell asleep. Which means……..coor turned his head and woah!!! It was evman!! Huh. ????????

 

“KHansen?” he asked confusionadly. 

 

“H-h-h-h-h-h-hey carol.” 

 

“Whats goin on?”

 

“You fell asleep.”

 

“Oh okay.”

 

“Did thou sleep well?”

 

“Yeah” Cricket said. “I had a dream about u actually.”

 

“REALLY???” Handyman gasped “what happened in your dream?”

 

“Well, you died. That was about it.” 

 

“Oh.”

 

“What are yeh eating?”

 

“Soynuts.”

 


	14. chreoeepter fourtYEETn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sup hoes im back

“COTTAGEEEEE GUESS WHATTT” evan screamed as he entered the apartment building.  

 

“What twis is?” capricorn asked

 

“I’ve stopped taking ‘time off’ from work and got a job!”

 

“Really? Where are you working at now?”

 

Smh curled its tail around Evan’s leg, and Cronnor’s face filled with horror as a small, twittery bird flew out of Handyman’s coat. 

 

“Petsmart.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i have a clinical obsession with giving evan cats and making him interact with petsmart


	15. chair pet her fist ten

The home was a  **zoo** . Pets were everywhere, Crone was at his wits end, Smh ruled the house, and Evan hadn’t been seen in four days. The last time Cramforthattest had seen the blond Petsmart employee, he had been wearing a magenta cape and carrying a large tan sack with what looked like a large animal moving around inside. 

 

As if Cfarfromthehomeilove’s day coudlnt get worse, Jaredmy showed up. 

 

“Ev’s cape is pinks- woah this place stinks! Are there animals here? Is that a beer?”

 

“This is water.”

 

“Ok. animals?????????”

 

“Yeah, a few.”  _ few thousand _ , Cnnoor thought bitterly. A small rabbit nibbled at his foot. 

 

“Oh, okay. Animals; you don’t say!”

 

“Please leave”

 

“Why the long face? I challenge thee to a race!”

 

“WAIT!” Someone screamed.

 

Jarededd and Crackoon looked in shock to see! Handyman! 

 

“You are back!” Cillemwithkindness said, smiling. 

 

“Yeah, i got hungry and went to get sum soynuts, and i just couldnt let u race Jared. It would be kinda bad. So, no”

 

“Nice rhyme! Just in time”

 

Cuwert chased him down the street with a broom. No more rhyming in this house.

**Author's Note:**

> we're really sorry


End file.
